I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
