i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
