he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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