You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
