He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
