I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
