So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
