you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
