I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
