I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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