ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
