i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
zippers are such a cool invention
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
