My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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