You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
