i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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