I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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