I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
