Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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