you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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