I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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