Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
