I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
