My nipple is on Facebook.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
