When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
