If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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