i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
