I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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