Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
