Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
