your parents love me but you hate me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
