big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
