I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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