The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
