She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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