Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
