so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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