i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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