one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
