i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
