he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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