When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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