I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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