pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
