i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
be right there i have to get my cape
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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