I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
