I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
