watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
