It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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