my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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