You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
