Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
