I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
