i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
